Sound Bytes: Shaq's got Bieber Fever; Get GaGa to Gitmo?; Kanye channels Martha Stewart and more

Published Jul 30 2010, 03:19 PM by Alexandra Cavallo

We guess you know that you've officially made it when a 7-foot-tall basketball legend serenades you at your own performance. It seems like the plague of Bieber Fever that's been infecting everyone from little girls to middle-aged women with a nasty case of sexually-ambiguous genital boils (just kidding, he's a virgin!) has just claimed it's latest victim: Shaquille O'Neal. Shaq stood up and declared his love for the tiny man-child through the only language he understands--music. (Because you know he doesn't speak German.) "Justin Bieber...yes I love yooouuu," Shaq sang in a rich baritone. Leave it to the Bieber, man.

Well, thank god, the world won't have to suffer in silence while Lindsay Lohan does hard time. Her wayward (and apparently totally bat-shit crazy, who knew!) father Michael penned a ballad to his jailbird daughter. And when compared to some of LiLo's own chart-topping hits, well...just have a listen. So now, we no longer have to wonder where all that raw, unbridled talent came from. The nut doesn't fall far from the fruit tree...or something. Daddy Lohan seems to be channeling Bryan Adams...if Bryan Adams had a daughter who dabbled in an abusive lesbian relationship, snorted chemicals up her freckled schnoz and generally ruined what should have been a promising career. "A Daddy's love will never die," he croons nasally. We can only hope that his music career does. And fast.

And speaking of the Lohan brood, Dina Lohan (known to most as the "Stage Mom From Hell" and the probable root of all this messy evil...did anyone see the, mercifully brief, "Living Lohan"?) has had it up to here with the way her daughter's whole legal fiasco is being handled. For one, Lindsay isn't even allowed to use her cell phone! How's a girl supposed to keep tabs on her dealer while she's in jail? Dina laments that LiLo is being treated like "a common criminal." Which, um, Mom, she is.

Remember that Wyclef Jean song, "If I Was President?" Well, turns out, that wasn't idle talk. Recent moves by the one-time Fugee and recent Ritz rep (weird) suggest that, indeed, 'Clef may be running for President of Haiti. And while we could try to engineer some convoluted joke about rappers turned actors turned political big wigs, instead, maybe we'll just give Wyclef props for wanting to step up for his disaster-ravaged Motherland. Since nobody else really has. We're behind you, 'Clef, just remember that calling your mama and telling her that you fell in love with a stripper, yo', is not always wise, once you're holding office. Oh, there it is. There's the joke we should have left unwritten.

And while we're on the topic of things better left unwritten, let's talk about Kanye's return to social media. It's not like anybody missed him, but the ego-maniacal West re-instated his Twitter account earlier this week anyway. So, of course, we were anxious to see just what pearls of wisdom and self-aggrandizement the Man, the Legend, would have for the world. Just this: rants and raves about the pains of home decor more suited to a Beverly Hills housewife named FiFi. "I specifically ordered persian rugs with cherub imagery!," he tweeted. "What do I have to do to get a simple persian rug with cherub imagery uuuuugh." We feel you, K.

Lady GaGa. Innovator. Crazy hat-aficionado.. Controversial music video-maker. And threat to national security? It would appear so, if indirectly. Authorities have recently discovered that Bradley Manning, the American solider accused of sneaking classified government information and footage from a Defense Department computer...and then leaking it onto the Internet...did it with the help of everybody's favorite wacky pop star. Sort of. Manning allegedly burned the info onto a CD labeled "Lady GaGa"....while singing and humming her songs. Then he strolled out of the place. The scariest thing about this whole thing is how seamlessly the absurd plan went down. It's like something out of MacGruber. Want to infiltrate the C.I.A.? Just sing a little Rihanna on your way in and flash the guard your iPod. Done and done.

And, just because it's kind of clever, check out this video. Two Brits with some time on their hands spoofed Jay Z's "Empire State of Mind." And it's pretty funny.