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The Big Hurt: Hagar the horrible

Plus award-winning awards and buggering Beatles
By DAVID THORPE  |  September 24, 2008

I mentioned SAMMY HAGAR just two weeks ago, so reporting on him again already is pushing it, but hear me out. I was reading a fascinating article about Sammy’s new record deal, and an epiphany struck: every year, Sammy looks more and more like the Dude. And since I have the audacity to call this a “news” column, here’s a fact: his upcoming album, Cosmic Universal Fashion, includes a cover of “Fight for Your Right To Party.” Ever notice how songs about waking up late for school and getting your porn stash busted by mom take on an exotic aspect when sung by 61-year-olds?

From the “alas” file: TRL, American youth culture’s most essential barometer of its own stupidity, is leaving the airwaves after 10 years of abject wretchedness. This is a show that made high-functioning retardates like CARSON DALY and JESSE CAMP famous, that exalted such worthless acts as JESSE McCARTNEY and HILLARY DUFF, that was synonymous with the boy-band boom of the early 2000s — how, in this nation we so love, could a show so monumentally worthless, so insulting to intelligence and destructive to culture, be cancelled? If you can’t make money off bad taste, teenage idiocy, and no-talent hackery, maybe this really is the end of the American era.

DMX is sitting in a Phoenix jail, now facing charges of theft on top of his recent drug conviction and still-pending possession and animal-cruelty counts. And rapper WEBBIE has been arrested after leading cops on a high-speed chase on a Mississippi highway. He’s facing felony counts for running from the cops and driving under the influence, as well as a misdemeanor possession charge. What the hell is society coming to when rappers are getting arrested before I’ve even heard of them?

That’s three paragraphs in a row where I’ve posed thought-provoking rhetorical questions, so I think I owe you an insightful declaration. ROB THOMAS must be fired into the sun; taxpayer money is no object. In case you’re wondering what reminded me of him, I was just checking out a little blurb about his new album on and he actually used the phrase “my pop sensibility.” Can you believe that jive? He’s co-opting the language of shitty critics to describe himself. This is worse than the time Gang of Four called their album “angular.”

PINK FLOYD founder and keyboardist RICHARD WRIGHT has passed on. Although bandmate David Gilmour provided a touching tribute to the man and his music, perhaps no one summed up our mood better than our old friend Neil Portnow of the Recording Academy: “Our deepest sympathies go out to his family and fans at this difficult time, as we remember this influential musician.” Wright is best known for his distinctive playing and songwriting on such albums as Dark Side of the Moon and Wish You Were Here, and for his 1945 autobiography Black Boy, in which he recounted his turbulent youth as an impoverished African-American in Mississippi.

The GRAMMYS won three Emmys. Ha! It gets less funny the more you think about it, so please proceed forthwith to the next news item.

You’ve probably heard about how a drunken Canadian fan got up on stage during an Oasis show in Toronto and just — DOINK! — toppled NOEL GALLAGHER like a domino. You’ve probably seen the clip on YouTube as well — it’s easily the best music video since the heyday of Michel Gondry. Anyway, Noel is still recuperating from his injuries, and he cancelled a recent NYC concert. That’s all the actual news I have to report on this subject, but I’m banking on the idea that Noel still injured = still funny.

The attacker’s name, address, and phone number were leaked to the Internet days after the attack, with angry Oasis fans crying for his blood. I tried contacting the assailant for a quick interview but he didn’t return my calls. If you’re reading this, Canadian guy, please take pride in the fact that you are — and so close to the anniversary of September 11, I do not use the word lightly — a hero. I had a theory that you were the physical manifestation of the zeitgeist, but then a friend reminded me that the zeitgeist stopped giving a shit about Oasis 10 years ago.

A new JOHN LENNON bio penned by rock writer Philip Norman alleges that the ex-Beatle harbored homosexual desires for PAUL MCCARTNEY. Quick to shed light on the rumors, Sir Paul talked to the Sun about his history with Lennon: “I slept with him a million times.” Actual quote. Paul really said it. Can’t sue me.

Related: The Straight Dope: Michael Jackson and the Beatles, Michael Jackson and his fears, Michael Jackson and his fears, More more >
  Topics: Music Features , Celebrity News, Entertainment, Neil Portnow,  More more >
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