bighurt main

Beware: the RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS have a new track called "The Adventures of Rain Dance Maggie." It's a little like "Supersonic" by Oasis with the funk dial on medium — and you and your loved ones face the very real threat of hearing it. Be even warier: Anthony Kiedis is attempting a new look, or so I gather from recent MTV News footage, and things are not going well. A Terry Richardson mustache and big glasses get-up, a Phil Oakey asymmetrical do and circa-aught-three trucker hat — basically trying almost everything to look cool, and yet every single dart just keeps bouncing off the board. Better keep trying shit, Keidis, you're 50 next year.

For proof that religion can still be put to good use, I point you to the Philippines, where they clearly have their prayer priorities straight. "PRAYER ALTERT !!" reads a widely-distributed text message. "A rock band called INCUBUS s comin 2perform at d Araneta Coliseum on July 28. We Must pRAY this group dUZnt even step on2 Philippine soil so that they dONT impart their spirits in2 our youth!"

Bravo! If Christianity can save just one kid from listening to Incubus, all the oppression and bloodshed and Christian rock has been worth it. I'll be watching the success of this texting campaign closely: if Christ really can protect a republic from the music of Incubus, I may have some use for him yet.

Oh, am I the only one getting kind of a terminal vibe from the wording? "dUZnt even step on2 Philippine soil"? If they're praying for Incubus to die in a plane crash, these dudes really have their shit together. (Disclaimer: it would be wrong to pray for Incubus to die in a plane crash, and I am saying so because I'd feel like an asshole if they actually did, especially because I may have accidentally prayed for it a tiny bit just now. I'll stop doing that — dang, whoops. OK, now I'll stop.)

MOZWATCH! British tabloid the Daily Mirror reports that fans' bags were searched for concealed meat products before a recent Morrissey concert in the UK. While the story is fairly idiotic and scant on evidence, I conscientiously elect to believe that it's true. Hidden meats may well be among his pet peeves, since he once had to halt a show in a hail of sausages. But mostly I believe it because I can't resist the thought of old Morrissey, half-senile and crazed with meat paranoia, trembling at the thought of a concealed Slim Jim like a tyrant dreads a dagger.

Also, he got bit by a dog. It was widely reported on news-hilarity sites, mostly because people found it ironic in the most Morissettian sense: he loves animals, but one of them hurt him! Guh-haw! What's next? Bono getting bit by a starving child? Laffo!

BIEBERWATCH! Just two weeks ago, I came close to writing off the glossy little darling as a flash in the pan 'cause Weezy refused to collaborate with him and his Vanity Fair cover tanked. I spoke too soon, because we're seeing a major comeback this week. Get this: his fragrance for hopeful young ladies, Someday, is doing huge numbers. We're talking J-Lo Glow numbers; Britney Curious numbers.

1  |  2  |   next >
Related: Suede reclaimed, The Big Hurt: Smash Mouth egg, Juggalos gather, Oasis grump, Bieber fades, The Big Hurt: Bieber fever, More more >
  Topics: Big Hurt , Music, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Robbie Williams,  More more >
| More

Most Popular
Share this entry with Delicious
  •   THE BIG HURT: LUPE’S CAREER CHANGE  |  March 19, 2013
    You may have already had a big luxurious eye roll at celebrities as "creative directors" of companies ...
  •   WHO CHARTED: SMOOTH JAZZ SONGS  |  March 12, 2013
    If you dig deep enough into's genre charts, past the foreign hits, past the Latin and Christian stuff and the MySpace streaming charts, you'll find one last afterthought: Smooth Jazz.
    In her long career of pushing boundaries, Madonna has run afoul of some of the world's most powerful institutions.
  •   THE BIG HURT: DIVING IN THE PR DUMPSTER  |  February 26, 2013
    I've been dumpster diving in the PR bin, the rankest receptacle of music industry waste, and I've come up with a dripping fistful of the month's hottest garbage.
  •   THE BIG HURT: LEANIN' WITH BIEBS  |  February 20, 2013
    Bieber was allegedly photographed sipping something from a double Styrofoam cup, in close proximity to a big bottle of codeine cough syrup. This can only add up to one thing: lean . That purple drank, the laudanum of Screw, the deadly nectar of Pimp C.

 See all articles by: DAVID THORPE