Worst in breed: Politics

[94] BILL RICHARDSON
Darkhorse

Chubby presidential candidate has repped the USA in negotiations with some of the world’s scariest and weirdest dictators. Which, unfortunately, leaves the triple-chinned hopeful with precious little time for the treadmill. Chances may improve if he stays hungry — or if he accidentally eats the rest of the Democratic field onstage during the first debate.

• Alberto Gonzales
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• Dick Cheney
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• Newt Gingrich
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• more >>

[89] NEWT GINGRICH
Hypocrite moralist 

Judging by his unyielding popularity with people whom his policies have decimated, Newt is quite the stud: Red-State America loves to get screwed by this guy. He’s also quite a charmer with the ladies, having served his first wife divorce papers while she was in the hospital with cancer so he could marry his girlfriend (yes, the girlfriend with whom he was having an adulterous affair while leading the moral charge against Bill Clinton for his marital infidelity). He then left that woman for his third wife. But if you want real unsexiness, look to Gingrich’s inner Danielle Steel. Consider this unsteamy image from Gingrich’s historical novel 1945, in which a character had “a pouting sex kitten athwart his chest.” That's hot?

[77] DICK CHENEY
Acting President of the United States

You know what they say about George W. Bush: big war, small penis. Not so for the veep, who — if you believe the photos circulating online — is apparently hung like an elephant. But as the folks are always saying, size doesn’t matter. In Cheney’s case, it’s just more of a bad, bad thing.

[50] MITT ROMNEY
Candidate flip-flopper

The three unsexiest words ever: Special. Mormon. Underpants.

[46] MARK FOLEY
Disgraced congressman

IM-ing Congressional pages about their private parts just isn’t as sexy as it used to be.

[44] ALBERTO GONZALES
Fascist attorney general

While authoritarianism can be sexy — consult your local dominatrix if you have trouble following this one — Gonzales doesn’t come close to pulling it off. Could it be the stick the length of the earth’s axis up his arse? Or is it the stay-puff Devo hair? Not sure — the investigative team hired to get to the bottom of that one was mysteriously fired.

[14] THE US SENATORS FROM MASSACHUSETTS
Capitol offenders

No Senate delegation has served the Unsexy constituency with such distinction as the moon-faced windbag Edward Kennedy and the high-haired highbrow John Kerry. What the hell happens when you get sworn in from New England? The judge administers the oath . . . and then whacks you in the head with the ugly stick?

Slimy puppet master, cruel politico, and skin-crawlingly awkward rapper. We’d love to sentence this genius to five years of hard labor as Barney Frank’s cabana boy.