FUZZY MATH: Dexter Reid has two Super Bowl rings and one felony drug charge. |
Our first Justin Miller Award!
This is the witching hour, folks — the sports-crime equivalent of the month before an armed robber’s parole hearing. Can he keep from shanking his roommate long enough to present a clean sheet? Or will temptation win out? It’s a dramatic race against time in the American penal system and the NFL draft.
About this time every year, NFL scouts descend upon big-college towns, doling out cash and favors to anyone who might have incriminating information about major NFL draft prospects. Heard something about a methed-out tight end who punched a Sonic roller-waitress in the eye? Did you date a return specialist with 4.3 speed who couldn’t get it up without weed? Anything you got, we’re interested. If we’re about to spend about 10 million bucks on a half-dozen or so kids from around the country, we want to know what we’re buying.
This is a vicious, sometimes unfair process in which a bad word from a teammate or a coach with a grudge can cost a good kid hundreds of thousands of dollars. And yet every year, a few stone-headed prospects make it easier for NFL spies by getting themselves arrested on the eve of the draft. It’s hard to see the justice in a kid taking a fall because he used to bake out and eat Ho-Hos in his dorm room. But a 22-year-old who can’t stay out of jail in the month before the draft deserves whatever happens to him.
Pre-draft arrestees are honored with the Order of Justin Miller, named after the ballyhooed Clemson cornerback who was popped with a noise-and-resisting violation the week before the 2005 draft; the 6’2”, 202-pounder shoved a female cop and screamed “This is my house and my party!” (“Shows good on-field leadership skills,” noted a scout who observed) when police showed up at his place after a noise complaint. Considered a sure first-rounder, Miller dropped to the end of the second round, where the Jets picked him up and turned him into a big-time kick returner. Other well-known pre-draft arrestees include Ravens pass-rusher Terrell Suggs (for a street basketball fight), Saints wideout Talman Gardner (boilerplate weed bust), and Eagles D-lineman Jerome McDougle (trying to prevent police from towing a friend’s car).
This year’s Miller award winner has already made himself known. Tarell Brown, a cornerback from Texas, was busted for weed possession last week, two days after the university’s pro day. The bust was a rare triple-cliché: a “routine traffic stop” meets “strong odor of marijuana” meets “but it was my cousin’s joint, not mine” arrest. (Brown’s cousin was driving.) Brown’s lawyer seems to be planning a defense based on a theory of innocence, an interesting strategy given that his client was involved in a similar incident last summer, in which Brown was found asleep in the back seat of a car with a loaded handgun on his lap. The tough thing is that Brown’s a pretty good player and his arrest will wreak unusual havoc on his draft status, as teams in the post–Pacman Jones era will be wary of picking a cornerback with multiple arrests. It says here that he will go to Dallas or Arizona in the fifth round.
Ex-Pat nailed
You gotta hand it to the Patriots. When it comes to arrest-prone athletes, they know when to hold ’em, and know when to fold ’em. Safety Dexter Reid, one of the more undeserving players to win multiple Super Bowl rings (one with the Pats and one with the, ugh, Colts), was nailed last week for a weed-and-gun arrest. Reid’s trademark play as a deep centerfielder for the Pats was a diving miss in which he wrapped nothing but air with both hands, landing mug-first on the turf as slow possession receivers blew by him for long gainers. He really sucked, and now he’s also been arrested.
He gets 30 points for his crime. As for the rest of this NFL season, I’ll have a full preview of draft-eligible criminals in the upcoming weeks.
Incidentally, keep an eye out for Florida and Arizona busts. The last week of baseball spring training is usually a target-rich environment for highway patrol cops who are light on their quarterly DUI quotas. Last week saw Tony LaRussa and Gustavo Chacin rung up, but it isn’t really a season until a New York Met is in the pokey, reeking of Jager.
When he’s not googling “NFL spies” and “Met in the pokey?”, Matt Taibbi writes for Rolling Stone. He can be reached atM_Taibbi@yahoo.com.
The tally for this year:
LAVON CHISLEY (PENN STATE) | murder | 99
STEVE SWINDAL (YANKEES) | DUI | 98
RON ARTEST (KINGS) | starving Socks, domestic violence, intimidation | 95
PACMAN JONES (TITANS) | TBA | 90
MURIETTA JOCKS (MURIETTA FIGHT CLUB) | various | 75
TONE TAUPULE (U OF IDAHO) | pistol-whipping, armed robbery | 62
SIX FOOTBALL PLAYERS (GUILFORD) | assault | 50 (downgraded)
KATSUHIKO MAEKAWA (ORIX BUFFALOES) | DUI, hit/run | 47
RONNIE FIELDS (MINOT SKYROCKETS) | sex assault | 40
JERRAMY STEVENS (SEAHAWKS) | DUI, weed, throwing used condoms | 32
LIONEL SULLIVAN (BGSU) | stealing video games, being a dumbass | 31
DEX REID (COLTS) | weed, gun, being a Colt, sucking while a Patriot | 30
MIKE TYSON (N/A) | coke, DUI | 28
RASHAUN BROADUS (BYU HOOPS) | DUI, having Snoop Dogg’s last name | 26
GUSTAVO CHACIN (BLUE JAYS) | DUI, having cologne named after him | 26
TONY LA RUSSA (CARDINALS) | DUI | 25
RYAN KRAUSE (CHARGERS) | DUI | 25
DONTRELLE WILLIS (MARLINS) | DUI, peeing | 23
CHARLES SHARON (JAGUARS) | stolen gun | 22
RANDY FOYE (T-WOLVES) | fighting | 20
MINNY P.D. (N/A) | Tasering | 20
KRIS LUCHSINGER (OHIO) | bar fight | 18
GERALD SENSABAUGH (JAGUARS) | gun, speeding | 17
TINSLEY, DANIELS, MCLEOD (PACERS) | fighting | 15
TARELL BROWN (TEXAS) | pre-draft weed bust | 11
STEVE GARCIA (SOUTH CAROLINA) | keying a professor’s car, not getting away with it | 9
MOBILE P.D. (N/A) | being dicks | 5
HOWARD STIRGUS (DENTON) | bomb threats | 3
KYLE MCALARNEY (NOTRE DAME) | weed | 1
ELIJAH DUKES (DEVIL RAYS) | weed, being black and not giving a fuck | 0.5
