Here at the Global Worldwide Headquarters of “Spin Cycle,” up to several letters have poured in during the past few days seeking our sage advice on all things electoral. Since we’re nothing if not helpful, we decided to dip into the mailbag this week and, in the best tradition of Big-J journalism, do our best to comfort the afflicted.
Dear Spin Cycle,
Since a certain “DP” keeps dodging a tête-à-tête with me, I’ve been killing time by going to the movies. Last weekend I saw Marie Antoinette (that Kirsten Dunst is so cute!) and The Queen (that Helen Mirren is so frumpy!), and now I am in a quandary.
First of all, a fashion question: Should I pimp my wardrobe and go for a Full Marie, Louis-heeled mules and all? Or should I start to dress more QE II, with sensible shoes and whatnot?
More important, though, whose ruling style should I adopt when I’m elected governor? Of course, M-Ant’s carefree Grande Olde Partie attitude is tempting, but ask me how much I’d like to move into the Corner Office with a couple of Corgis and start tossing around the royal “we.”
I mean, really, what’s a gal to do?
Kerry H.
Prides Cursing, MA
Dear Kerry H,
What, you don’t like those orange jumpsuits your campaign groupies are tricked out in lately? Or is orange too gaudy for you as a fashion statement? Whatever, it’s probably best to forego either queen’s finery and stick with your Rotary Club–luncheon look. Honestly, it becomes you.
As for your ruling style, you might want to take a cue from Napoleon at Elba and brush up on your solitaire game.
Dear Spin Cycle,
How many Slurpees does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ha! Just kidding! Here’s my real question: How come voters aren’t taking my costly gubernatorial campaign seriously?
Christy M.
Aisle 3, MA
Dear Christy M,
Could it be because you look and act like the official nominee of the Looney Tunes Party? Ha! Just asking!
Dear Spin Cycle,
I attended the Barak Obama lovefest at the JFK Library last Friday, where New York Times columnist Bob Herbert conducted an adoring interview with Obama in front of an adoring overflow crowd.
At one point Herbert recounted this story: on the cab ride from Logan to the library, the driver asked Herbert what was going on there. A Barak Obama event, Herbert said. “Barak Obama!” the driver responded. “Our next president!”
As the crowd erupted into applause, Obama said something along the lines of, “If the election was just among cabdrivers, I’d win hands-down. Think about it — half of them are from Africa, and they have funny names.”
That Barak — he’s a stitch, eh? He can get away with anything these days.
Here’s my question. A certain “KH” wants to go head-to-head with me in a debate but I’ve been hiding behind the two other candidates in the race, saying I don’t want to “disrespect” them.
Now I’m worried that “KH” is going to send some guy in a chicken suit to all my campaign events. Not to disrespect Big Bird or anything, but those giant chickens scare me. What should I do?
Deval P.
Boardroom, MA
Dear Deval P,
First off, two observations from the JFK Library’s full-tilt Obamapalooza: 1) Barak makes you look like his little brother Urkel, and 2) he’s not above playing to the cheap seats when it suits his purposes. Case in point: speaking about the war in Iraq, Obama said there should be a rule that all children of congressmen should be subject to a military draft. Predictable audience bedlam ensued.
Geez, if he’s going to rip somebody off, shouldn’t it be someone classier than Michael Moore?
As for your big-chicken question, maybe you should start hiding out at the movies. “KH” will never find you there.
Dear Spin Cycle,
I have so many questions, I don’t know where to start. So I guess I’ll go with this: what the heck is a Green Rainbow? Isn’t that an oxymoron or something?
Grace R.
Batik, MA
Dear Grace R,
It’s something, all right. What the Green Rainbow Party is not, though, is a factor in this gubernatorial race. Of course, if 2002 Green Party gubernatorial candidate Jill Stein had gotten herself together and collected a measly 6000 legitimate signatures, she would have received at least $3 million in Clean Elections funds and been a serious player that year.
But she — what’s the term? — blew it. So now the Greens are reduced to joining forces with a fringe group that has less juice than the average sippy cup.
Oxymorons, heal thyselves.
John Carroll is a mass-communication professor at Boston University and a correspondent for WGBH-TV’s “Beat the Press” edition of Greater Boston. He can be reached atjohn_carroll@wgbh.org.
