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Holy War!

By JAMES PARKER  |  June 6, 2007

The events that have since overtaken Haggard do indeed bear the distinct imprint of what creationists call the argument from design. What more perfectly appointed doom could there be for an evangelical preacher than that he be revealed as a drug-snorting patron of male whores? Haggard, his ministry in ruins, was last seen emerging from three weeks of faith-based counseling with the declaration that he was now “completely heterosexual.” The infidel Dawkins has meanwhile sailed into riches and best-sellerdom. Even Mike Jones, the escort with whom Haggard shared his meth-romps, looks set to have a hit this summer with his upcoming kiss-and-tell I Had to Say Something: The Art of Ted Haggard’s Fall (Seven Stories). “My muscles seemed to be my biggest attraction,” writes Jones. “Until I took off my pants.” Truly, the Lord works in mysterious fucking ways.

Or maybe not so mysterious. If there was one thing Jesus hated, it was a hypocrite: “For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged, and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again” (Matthew 7:2). And atheism at its leanest is the bullshit-detector of all bullshit-detectors, scouring the complacent from their comfort zones. I cite once more the exploits of Hitchens, who on May 16 was invited to represent the constituency of the impious on the Jerry Falwell memorial edition of Fox News’ Hannity & Colmes. Ranged against him was as Pharisaical a crew as can be imagined: the bad-cop/even-shittier-cop team of Alan Colmes and Sean Hannity, the oily Ralph Reed (Republican strategist, former director of the Christian Coalition, friend of Jack Abramoff), and, of course, the ghost of the just-departed Reverend Falwell.

Over loud pleas for “human decency” from the frequently indecent (and inhuman) Hannity, Hitchens put the boot in: Falwell was “a vulgar fraud and crook,” and it was a shame there was no hell for him to go to. Ralph Reed, as soon as he opened his mouth, was denounced as a “religious rip-off artist.” Hitchens’s last line, lobbed coolly into the prattling final seconds of the show (you have to listen for it), probably short-circuited a few senior TV sets: “If you gave Jerry Falwell an enema, you could bury him in a matchbox.”

Hitchens has a particularly truculent way of filling the screen. He glowers, and under studio lights his large, low-slung face — with its rather delicate features gathered nouvelle-cuisine style in the center — is generally some odd shade of green or pale ochre. A very earthly, unsanctified figure. But seen here, knee-deep in a brood of vipers and laying about him the sword of righteousness, the sweating Hitchens was momentarily — one trembles to say it — Christ-like.

Sam Harris is less effective on TV: he sits quietly, not blinking, as if he’s decided that the proper demeanor for a rationalist is one of spooky robotic evenness. But in his writing, when given the proper theme, he, too, can blaze into near-messianic eloquence. On the Vatican’s recent deliberations on the subject of limbo, for example, he is splendidly scathing. Limbo, or so Pope Pius X declared in 1905, is where “children who die without baptism go . . . where they do not enjoy God, but they do not suffer either.” The point is that they go there forever. To float about in grayness, waving wanly at each other.

The Vatican’s Internal Theological Commission has been chewing over this little nub of dogma for several years, much to Harris’s disgust. “Can we even conceive of a project more intellectually forlorn than this?” he seethes in Letter to a Christian Nation. “Is there the slightest possibility that someone will present evidence indicating the eternal fate of un-baptized children after death? How can an educated person think this anything but a hilarious, terrifying, and unconscionable waste of time? When one considers the fact that this is the very institution that has produced and sheltered an elite army of child-molesters, the whole enterprise begins to exude a truly diabolic aura of misspent human energy.” (On April 20, the commission issued its findings: “Our conclusion is that the many factors that we have considered . . . give serious theological and liturgical grounds for hope that un-baptized infants who die will be saved and enjoy the beatific vision.”)

The limits of knowingness
The atheist authors are not without glibness. Their nose-in-the-air dismissal of centuries of religious tradition, of the hordes of worshipful dead who have gone before us, smacks frequently of what G.K. Chesterton called “the small and arrogant oligarchy of those who merely happen to be walking about.” Tertullian, Maimonides, and Saint Augustine come in for a bit of anachronistic abuse, and some rather predictable fun is had with the God of the Old Testament — that perennial straight man for all freethinkers.

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Comments
Holy War!
I have no problem with believers and their beliefs until they start trying to forcefeed me those beliefs. Then there's a major problem...with them and their beliefs. Keep your religion to yourself, folks!
By Terry C on 06/07/2007 at 7:19:02
Holy War!
"Secularism is not glorious: it’s a dude in Starbucks tweaking his Blackberry." Funny, to me Secularism the freedom for people of other faiths or none not to fear persecution by the authorities for their beliefs, for a trial based on law and evidence rather than seeing if the Devil makes the witch float, to decide matters of conscience based on rational discussion rather than the dictates of bronze age tribal leaders long gone to dust, to question long held beliefs with inpunity and accept or reject them based on the answers forthcoming rather than face arrest and even execution for apostacy and to question the majesty of the universe without having to fear the consequences should my observations not match religious dogma. That is Secularism and I think it IS glorious, it's opposite is not 'Faith', rather 'Theocracy' and it has been seen too many times where that leads. Atheism is not a necessary prerequisite to be a secularist.
By PJ on 06/07/2007 at 8:13:19
Holy War!
hooray for PJ! 'cosmic gallantry' indeed!
By rain king on 06/07/2007 at 8:09:13
Holy War!
I second that, though I'd have broken up that killer second sentence of PJ's into a couple pieces. But regardless your defense of secularism is, itself, glorious. PJ.
By Ron Huber on 06/09/2007 at 3:47:12
Holy War!
I agree about breaking up sentences. You may also want to acquaint yourself with "topic sentences." Why not run expressions like "mumbo-jumbo juggernaut" through a "statistically improbable phrase" checker? This may be an interesting article, but who knows? It's completely unreadable!
By zorg on 06/10/2007 at 9:20:00
Holy War!
Droll, these "anti-god" belivers, are worse than zealots. They think about god more than belivers albiet in a negative light and pursue their point of view until they are either smashed or the other person backs away usually to their harpy cries. They push their non belief the same way they acuse other of pushing their beliefs. Monsters most of them.
By jshm2 on 06/10/2007 at 9:23:12
Holy War!
As always, those who attack atheism do no speak to fact; they resort to insult and derision. The basics of religion are so flimsy and tenuous that no believer can argue them without coming to the conclusion that their beliefs are baseless and bizarre. Which is, of course, why religions prefer their adherents to just have faith and not question. Questions lead to answers and answers in this case lead to an undeniable conclusion: religion is false, dangerous and indeed poisons everything. WriterWriter www.stupid-files.blogspot.com
By writerwriter on 06/10/2007 at 10:04:45
Holy War!
Great article I would disagree that "[the atheists] attacks on him are rather personal." Bronze age tribesmen who wrote the Old Testament describes god as capricious, immature, and insecure. The reason for why the universe exists is described by religions as a man and with a human personality. For example, "god" plays a game of favorites with Cain and Abel (his grandkids), and he does this arbitrarily and the result if murder. God hardly hesitates at the idea of wiping out all of mankind in a flood because he decides he didn't make us well. Pointing out these details helps illustrate the lack of credibility that should be attributed to the writings of primitive writings who could only imagine the cause of the universe as a man
By bachdog on 06/10/2007 at 10:20:43
Holy War!
Terry C.: excellent comment. Well put and right on the mark.
By writerwriter on 06/10/2007 at 10:32:21
Holy War!
At the least, religions should not proselytize, but the fundamentalists do anyway as part of their doctrine. But the problem is not just about forcing personal beliefs on others and the public school system. The problem is that much of this country's policy comes from the opinions of church leaders. Ralph Reed? James Dobson? The US is unique in that we do not have a religious state, but we are getting closer to what could be called a synthesis of "theocracy" and "plutocracy" By the way, if god is all-powerful and all-knowing then why does he need the fundamentalist to go out and convert people? Why does he need missionaries at all?
By bachdog on 06/10/2007 at 11:28:43
Holy War!
When mixed with force or government religion moves from silly to dangerous. The "righteous" crusade in Iraq which has now killed, maimed and displaced millions and unleashed a religious-political civil war as well as America's endless consensual crime war which is responsible for needlessly imprisoning millions for sin are both tragic examples of the results. If only people could see through the fog that clouds their minds from early childhood. Believe what you want but make an attempt to refrain from enforcing your beliefs with a gun or threat of violence.
By hrothgar on 06/10/2007 at 1:16:28
Holy War!
I had to register just to point out that America is not at all unique for having a religious state. Most non-Americans recognise that America is extremely religious, with a very thin veneer of secularism. I can think of about fifty countries which are not religious states, and the US doesn't really rank highly in the list. Also I had to enter my zip code to register which is exceedingly stupid as i don't have one.
By phauna on 06/10/2007 at 7:52:13
Holy War!
I like how when you criticize Christianity or Islam, suddenly you are a big, bad, Atheist! What is the difference between the unverified claims of Zeus fathering Hercules, and that of this Jewish god named YHWH fathering Jesus? What about Osiris-Horus? Why don't you have faith in Ahura Mazda? You are blinded by your faith in a superstition originating in the Middle East. If you had been born in Iran, you would be a Muslim. If there is a god, it doesn't care if you believe in some Zombie Jew, or some Pedophile from Arabia. At least, any god worth worshipping wouldn't care about such trivial bullshit.
By zoot on 06/10/2007 at 9:06:36
Holy War!
"Secularism is not glorious: it’s a dude in Starbucks tweaking his Blackberry." Ah, such a subtle thing. An everyday scene, but the gadget and the internet which supports it would have been speculative fiction twenty years ago, the coffee (transported thousands of miles and still fresh), the cups (marvels of mass production), even the very fact that the economy supports such gratuitous indulgence - these are the products of scrupulous realism. The atheist with his Blackberry is in harmony with his surroundings. The religious man is an incongruity.
By Just a Guy on 06/11/2007 at 12:53:24
Holy War!
Picking the ancient scab of religion Christian right intelligent design of faith compliance. Scientific left Darwinian Theory on fact based science. Clergy quote Geneses stating Gods creation dominance. Atheist scientist map and quantify human experience. Tithing religionists wobble in slack jawed wonderment. Agnosticism is beginning to grow beyond confinement. Prayer is becoming stagnant as crime and war escalate. No divine intervention peace God visible to participate. Muslim terrorist bowing to Allah to justify human killing. Christian soldiers circle in prayer before combat go willing. Apologetics patch holes in the hypocritical gay church. God fearing news media keeps all the public in the lurch. Has the mortal brain fossilized into superstition and myth? Is humanity still operating with Pleistocene chromosomes? Technology did not alter fear thinking Stone Age brains. Psychobiocircuitry tells man to cover body when it rains. Some persons think smarter, electrochemically evolving. Their offspring acquire new DNA for brains requalifying. They become free thinkers for the betterment of mankind. Operating from fact based educated freewill choice mind. Self-governing self-sufficiency education need be learned. Land ratio population birth control must not be spurned. Mentality of commonsense must evolve to qualify reality. Ideals of truth, beauty, and goodness being the normality. Discarding daily apocalypse fear, myth and superstition. Will leave room for a healthy evolving loving disposition. Todays fear praying & worshiping religions are antiquated. Living goes at the speed of commonsense choices anticipated. ~~~Gasser~~~
By commonsensekid on 06/11/2007 at 3:13:06
Holy War!
Religion Reality Check Using commonsense reason to subjugate superstition. Will prove embarrassing to believe in God’s position. Thinking mans intelligence will check all illusions. Erasing fear, myth, and all apocalyptic conclusions. Real reality goes at the speed of educated fact choices. Not by ecclesiastical hypocritical authority voices. A morality gut feeling is the natural default setting. Trusting ethical intuition won’t leave you regretting. Belief, prayer, and faith lead to absolutisms incased in lies. Stabilizing and protecting fragile myths that fact denies. Most religionist are completely deranged by religious faith. Holy books are badly construed fables imbedded with wrath. Christian moderates are just as bad as jihad Muslim fanatics. Immunizing religion from rational discussion of its dramatics. The Bible story of Jesus is a phantasmagoric parable fairy tail. The Koran is a manifesto for religious death divisiveness on sale. ~~~Gasser~~~
By commonsensekid on 06/11/2007 at 3:17:38
Holy War!
Separation of Church and State is crucial in America, the only Western nation not officially secular. We've gone to the moon, we have enough nuclear weaponry to wipe out all life on the planet, and our President creates a National Day of Prayer, creates a Jesus Day in Texas, and has as his "favorite philosopher" for whose existence there is no shred of contemporary historical evidence. I have no quarrel with people practicing their belief in private and in designated places of worship - I support the tax exempt churches, I want them where I can see them! - but religion of any stripe should not be active in government, and certainly not in public schools.
By Rozmarija Grauds on 06/11/2007 at 11:43:46
Holy War!
All very impressive. Now the only question left is: How many divisions does Chris Hitchens have? I mean aside from the NATO forces in afghanistan and what's left of the "coalition of willing" in Iraq.
By Scalawag on 06/11/2007 at 3:10:51
Holy War!
The current atheist attacks on religion are, of course, only a conflict-du-jour. Without religion to fight about, we would find any number of other tribalistic reasons to have at each other -- nationalism, racism, competing claims on resources, whether your mother wears army boots, and so on. We live to be in conflict, and we'll find any reason to be so. Religion is particularly well suited, though, because it is both unprovable (and therefore unresolvable) and a matter of life and death to its adherents.
By KY Independent on 06/14/2007 at 2:33:45

Today's Event Picks
More Information

Doubt, doubt, let it all out
Five classics from the soon-to-be-established atheism section of your local bookstore:
1.Letters From The Earth: Uncensored Writings, by Mark Twain (Harper Perennial Modern Classics)
2.Why I Am Not a Christian, by Bertrand Russell (Routledge Classics)
3.Misquoting Jesus: The Story Behind Who Changed the Bible and Why, by Bart D. Ehrman (HarperSanFrancisco)
4.American Theocracy: The Peril and Politics of Radical Religion, Oil, and Borrowed Money in the 21st Century, by Kevin Phillips (Penguin)
5. God, the Devil, and Darwin: A Critique of Intelligent Design Theory, by Niall Shanks (Oxford University Press, USA)

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